nose

walked to one of the myriad coffeeshops near me this morning, this one started in 1996 and is comfy and has a magazine rack which makes it seem anachronistic and I love it for that. It looks pretty certain that I'm gonna get facial surgery to demasculinize my face and I've been musing/dwelling on this a lot the last few days.

My face is basically fine, people say I look good, I pass easily, and I'm often satisfied with how I look. But this isn't enough apparently. I'm chasing after this image of femininity that will always recede the closer I get to it, which I don't think is so tragic, this is the same case with basically everything people strive for. Anything worth striving for is never truly achievable. probably. But that sounds dumb and aphoristic.

Another angle is the one where I'm the pampered pinnacle of white western tech treasure and I have nothing to do with the money beyond adorning my self-centered temple. Countless millions of trans women in the past and present would die to have my current position, let alone the chance to have their face fancied up by a top surgeon in the world.

Another angle is one I'm more sympathetic to. Another sort of practice death, just like my male body and name were always ephemeral but I got to experience their passing away, so too again with my face. This probably ties in with the above in the some California ideology hippie tech bullshit way, but so be it, I find that stuff appealing.

In any case, I saw a woman at the coffeeshop who had a notable nose and thought she looked beautiful and I imagine a series of vignettes, her as a girl self conscious and self hating, her as a young woman self conscious and self hating. and it made me wonder about my motivations.