color

You know how there's that dormroom puzzler of whether my 'red' is the same as your 'red', which is yeah kinda dumb, but still a fun thing to think about. But what I think is a funner and more beautiful idea is something more like this:

of course there's no red 'out there' in the world, it's just photons doing their thing at different frequencies or something like that, the apple isn't red it just bounces that type at you etc. So the 'red' that you experience is entirely a creation of your own, whether you share it with anyone or not. this holds for blue and green and hot and coffee smell and all sorts of amazing things that your body cooked up all on its own, which is really a cool achievement. Red is a very fun color, who'da thought that it was *you* of all people to come up with it!

materials

on the little sign next to a piece of art in a museum they list the materials used to make it like: stainless steel, ceramic, and plaster which is like when I was a kid my mom would tell me not to worry, that's not blood it's just ketchup when seeing gore in a movie.

when I see something amazing and then looking at the materials list I'm often like, ha, you're not so tough, you have to use leather just like the rest of us

I luv the valley yum

I'm getting ffs tomorrow. They gave me some valium to calm me down and so that I get a good night's rest beforehand. It feels good, pretty lucid, trying to get some thoughts out. I enjoy these experiences as little practice deaths and visceral acknowledgments of how ephemeral health and mobility is. It'll be gone before I know it, and it's good to keep that in mind in real ways, like by actually fucking yourself up every now and then

bodies are like temples, they were made to be desecrated. The fear and anxiety I felt today was not pleasant, but it reminded me of all the similar times that I felt dread and excitement at the same time. These don't happen all that often in life, and I cherish them: prom, coming out, first days of school, etc. 

I feel zonked out to continue and I'm not feeling like I'm getting my thoughts across the way I want to, so I'll stop

tension

Following this politics stuff online can be stressful and I'm trying to figure out why it's stressful. One idea that feels helpful to me is that I get stressed by the tension between two things. 1) the clean professional way of the world: mass media, academia, government, corporations all with their sheen of control, rationalism, level-headedness and inevitability and 2) the bonkers ecstatic tragic dayglo whatever that embodied real life is.

The stress comes from not just the tension between those, but the fact that the first one seems so dominant and is compelling and assumed as real by so many people. Engaging with the first one once you've accepted the 2) as more explanatory is stressful and you just want to yell at, shake, poke, shoot, anything at the people who assume the 1) is explanatory. Like to jostle them and free them. Maybe this is what Brecht was on about, maybe this is what every cool person is on about, whatever, I'm not claiming this is a novel idea, just that that tension is stressful!